You know you are in England when...

1. You step on someone else's toes, and both of you end up apologising.

2. You hear people apologising for a lot of things. For example, asking for the bill after a meal at a restaurant ("Sorry, but I could I request the bill please?"), or asking for anything from the person at the till ("Sorry, but could I also have ....."). Sigh! All this unnecessary apologising!

3. You get referred to as "My love", "My darling", "Sweetheart", "My sweet" and other terms of endearment by total strangers. This usually happens if you are female and the stranger in question is male*

4. No. 3 feels strange at first, but you get used to it and may even find it kinda nice.

5. You feel compelled to hold doors open for other people who feel compelled to hold doors open for people after them and so on and so forth so that nobody except the first and last person to walk through the door actually has to pull/push it open. You may, like me, even wonder what the appropriate distance between you and the next person has to be, before this social rule of holding the door open comes into play.

6. People will often ask you if you would like to do something for them (For example, "Would you like to pop your PIN in there for me?") Now there are two things to be mindful of here. Firstly, they are actually not interested in whether you would like to do the thing in question or not, but just want you to do it. Secondly, do not be confused by the "for me" at the end. The only person you're likely to be doing the thing in question for is yourself. When I am at the receiving end of this particular question, I feel like clarifying that I would do it, but solely for my own benefit.

7. Bus stops are named after pubs nearby, rather than the names of the streets they are on. Says a lot about what the real landmarks are.

8. You begin to realise that the word "Cheers" is filled with possibilities, and in the past your usage of the word was rather limited. You probably just said it before sharing a drink (or some sort of other consumable good) with near and dear ones, but now find that it replaces "Thanks", "Bye", "Take care" or other social niceties.

9. The greeting of choice is usually followed by "You alright?". This is something that befuddles me. I usually ask people if they are alright when I suspect that they might not be. Personally, if I had to choose, I prefer the more open ended "How are you?"

10. A bright sunny morning can turn into a grey, wet afternoon, transform into a bright sunny, evening before ending up as a windy, dark night. The eye-rolling can stop. You think you can be in England without commenting on the weather?! The famous English obsession with weather-chat is no myth my friends!

(Note: This list is a work-in-progress and will be updated over time. After all, the learning never stops)

* Edit: I was later informed that the reverse is also true. Whether equally or not remains to be decided.

She rubbed, scrubbed and scraped until

her palms were red and sore

But the writing on the wall remained

Taunting her more and more

Embarrassed and ashamed she was

About her disfigured core

And pleaded and begged for time to rewind

To the way it was before

Speaking of birthdays...

Holy Cow: I missed the runts' birthday

forgot

The 'wise' one: Even I forgot

......

Holy Cow: How does one wish babies anyway !

s

The 'wise' one: You wish the parents

Holy Cow: yeah, I guess the parents have done more work than the kids to ensure another birthday.
Birthdays are silly. As Seinfeld said, the only thing you're celebrating is the fact that you managed to stay alive for the last 364 days.
I paraphrase, of course. What he said was probably funnier.

Kya hai bharosa aashiq dil ka, aur kisi pe yeh aa jaaye....

Readers of this blog who have found enough shreds of interest by which to hang on to it over the last two or so years that it has been around, may have got the impression that I don't particularly favour the rule of reciprocity in matters of love, kindness, sensitivity and such. All things nice, if you please. My policy is largely one of - I do it because I want to do it, and if you don't want to reciprocate I have absolutely no right to ask you to. I mean, it's the only rational way to be isn't it? We do what we want, the other does what he/she wants and sure it would be nice for the others' wants to be the same as our want but when it isn't so it really is arrogant for us to demand that it be so. No?

The sentiment of 'iloveyouwithallmyheartandsoul' is a very common theme of songs from Hindi films (Though this post is more about songs from the 50s, 60s and 70s, it could very well apply today). Slightly less pervasive is the expression , in varying shapes and sizes, of the sentiment 'howniceitwouldbeifyoucouldlovemetoo'. Next comes the 'iknowyoushallneverloveme' which at times is tied to the preceding sentiment by threads of despair and futility. This third sentiment is in most cases also accompanied by the helpless 'butishallcontinuetoloveandlongforyou'.

Moving, heart wrenchingly beautiful songs of love-filled despair. I am in no way mocking them. No sir. I like to listen to them, love them, and live them. Read the first paragraph and be convinced that I swear by such sentiments!

Be that as it may, there come along certain songs bearing sentiments that are quite the opposite. Unlike the above-mentioned variety that seep naturally into your skin and become a part of your existence, the latter variety of songs brazenly float in through the front door on a magic carpet of melodies and you only realise you let them in after you have spent a good second or two in awe of their presence. Much like guests who annoy us by walking in uninvited but do so bearing wonderful presents to placate us, thereby leaving us doubtful about whether to proceed with our original decision to throw them right out, with these songs, we might be angry with them for upsetting the equilibrium of our unhappybutcontentintheirunhappiness hearts, but find we cannot do anything about it because a part of us is taken in by the novelty of their message and wants to hear more.

For those unable to decipher my very unambiguous description ( :-p ) allow me to clarify what songs and sentiments I mean.

The songs I find refreshing and belonging to the second category as described above don't care for supplication and unrequited love. They mean business. Love is a two way street, and I certainly don't intend to walk up and down it by myself. It is conditional, reciprocal, and at times, yes, vengeful.

I have recently been on a spree of appreciating such songs and so an example comes easily to mind, allowing me to illustrate. (In the following example, I am using the word "I" for the singer and "you" for the one being sung to. I am not trying to wave my fists at the reader. This is for the sake of convenience. One does not like to go on talking like this for a long time about complex matters should the other lose track of what is being said and fails to understand the point, does one?)

Song: Haseen ho tum

Lyrics: Hasrat Jaipuri

Singer: Mohd. Rafi

Film: Badtameez

"Haseen ho tum khuda nahi ho, tumhara sajda nahi karenge

Magar mohabbat mein hukm doge, to haste haste yeh jaan bhi denge"

(You are only human, albeit of the attractive kind, and that isn't enough to warrant me getting down on my knees before you. However, though I will not offer you salutations and adoration unnecessarily, if you were to reciprocate my feelings my dear there would be no limit to what I would be willing to do for your sake)

"Hamari nazron ka shukr kijiye, ki aasmaan par tumhe bithaya

Hamare dil ko duaen dijiye, ki dhadkanon mein tumhe basaya"

(Rather than engaging in self depreciation and suggesting that the you deserve much more than I can offer, I suggest that you ought to be grateful to me for having considered you worthy of my affection. What a healthy, even if slightly pompous, attitude!)

"Bulandiyon se giro ge tum bhi, agar nigahon se hum girenge"

(A subtle threat, that you will have a rather nasty fall from the pedestal on which I placed you, in the event that you judge me unfavourably)

"Hamare jaise agar hain lakhon, tumhare jaise bhi kam nahi hain

Jo khud patthar se phod le sar, woh aur honge woh hum nahi hain"

(If you think there are millions like me, allow me to remind you that you aren't one in a million either. There may be others willing to bring about their own destruction in longing for you, but I am not one of them)

I am aware of course, of how grossly inadequate my explanations in English are but, in the spirit of the song, I am not going to be overly apologetic about it. Anyone who doesn't understand Hindi should be grateful for any attempt by me to make things comprehensible :-)

I like the song because it dares to say things others songs don't, and it is grounded in unwavering self respect, self awareness and self control.

It's a perfectly healthy attitude to have if you ask me (and I know no one really asked me, but this is my blog and if I can't lend it some metaphorical elasticity then there is really no justice in the world! None!!)

All it does is remind you to be critical of your love for the one you love, to remember that you may sometimes, perhaps, in the heat of passion judge someone to be more terrific than they really are, to not feel guilty about your rage, to accept that the other does not care for your pleas, to appreciate that while they have a right to do so, you need not join them and double the blow to your feelings and finally, eventually, move the hell on.

I recommend this song to anyone who has tried to nurse a broken heart and has felt the ache and longing for that which cannot be.

You will either identify with it or you won't.

If you do, it will probably make you feel better about life and yourself.

If you do not, then just find it in yourself to appreciate this sore (but defiant) thumb of songs.

Oh this grey country !

It is 10:00 AM and all the curtains are open. Yet, I am having to sit under glowing, yellow, artificial light.

¡Qué ridículo!