Nausea

There are no beginnings. Days are tacked on to days without rhyme or reason, an interminable, monotonous addition.

No, I am not contemplating the nothingness or thing-ness of human existence like dearly beloved Sartre above. I am sharing with you an experience that assailed me as I walked down the street with the man I love, in a city that I am trying to claim as mine. My relationship with it is similar to that of a disgruntled host who offers his home not with delight but with resignation, and an annoying relative who receives the hospitality of the former not out of desire but out of desperation. Actually, my affair with the city lies even lower on the scale of passion, because instead of disgruntlement or annoyance, there is just... is-ness. A shrug here and a shrug there. I am in it and it is around me. The city isn't pleading with me to accept it, nor am I begging to be embraced by it.

Like Sartre, while my feeling of nausea was also brought on suddenly by the appearance before me of a group of five adolescent girls who dressed, talked and walked similarly, that was merely the tipping point. The last straw, if you please, on the back of a camel already burdened by a heap of sameness.

Boredom and anxiety can be quite complementary. I can say that with confidence because I felt both these feelings come together to form the frown in my brow. This similarity of hair & skin colour, indistinguishable voices merging into each other by virtue of saying fairly indistinguishable things filled me with a sense of fatigue and anxiety as it struck me that I was swimming in a sea of homogeneity. Hmmm... fatigue? Fatigue and boredom aren't the same thing. I was bored, fatigued and anxious. Fatigued because I had been splashing about in new waters, and bored because I had momentarily stopped splashing and was just floating in a sea of homogeneity. That's it. I was floating like algae floats on water, asserting it's distinct existence, clutching to the surface for fear of drowning and being consumed by the depths below.

And anxiety? That was because I realised that my refusal to let the city in, metaphorically speaking, was because I would then have to let in all that the city contains. I have nothing against the buildings, the trees, fountains and the streets. I have a problem with those who work in the buildings who are the same as those who sit under the trees who are the same as those who look at the fountains who are the same as those who fill the streets.

I felt stifled by their sameness. Maybe it's because I come from what is known as the 'land of diversity', where walking around in a marketplace for five minutes, you cross paths with people dressed differently, saying distinctly different things, sounding different even if speaking the same language! In contrast I find the present surroundings sickeningly homogeneous. I am not making this up, seriously, but if you give a sentence or paragraph to ten different people to read out loud, the impression I have is it will sound like the same person reading it over and over again. How can so many people sound exactly alike? Similar pitch, rhythm, voice quality..... something about that disturbs me I tell you. Makes me very uneasy, this obliteration of individual uniqueness.

Such were the thoughts I was grappling with. Thoughts, and oddly enough, a viscerally felt sense of asphyxiation.

Many may think I am overreacting. But those who crave individuality and diversity will perhaps understand.

Words spoken by a classmate during my very formative journey through a Masters programme come back to haunt me. He looked at me one afternoon and said "I have worked out the essence of your existence". Curious, and prone to sarcasm, I asked him to share his insights so that I too may learn of my essence. He looked straight at me, smiled his large African smile and said "You thrive in uniqueness"

In light of recent events, I can't help but wonder if he was right.

I guess I will have to drag variety and uniqueness out from the deeper recesses into which they have been pushed, and toss them back into the world out there before I can be surprised and thrive once again.

Till then, maybe I can come up with ideas to amuse myself with this mundaneness.

Oh well! As most people around me would say "Cheers darling!"

B-)

The Religious Tolerance of the Atheist

Travelling to London one afternoon, the passenger sitting next me momentarily shelved what I had come to regard as British social etiquette, and struck up a conversation with me despite the fact that I was a total stranger. Being non-British myself, I didn't feel offended as if my private space had been invaded so all was well. Though I must admit I found it a bit strange that she seemed to want to chat despite the fact that I had my nose buried in a book. After general chit chat about what I did, where I was from, what I was going to do etc. etc., she happened to mention that she was on a course in theology, attempting to make better sense of her religion. She had converted to Catholicism recently.

During the two hour or so train journey, she and I spent about sixty or so minutes talking about religion and God, among other things such as psychological suffering, human existence, and mental illness.

Let me state at the outset that I am not a religious person. I don't practice any religion, and while I think nearly all organised religions may have something to offer as far as humanism is concerned, I think overall they have led to more division than unity, and more harm than good for humanity.

I made my religious indifference clear to her quite early in our conversation.

We spoke about God and nature, and she told me how as part of her religious journey she had learnt how to witness God in everything around us, especially the natural world. She added that some people were unable to see it that way, and wanted evidence to prove the existence of God. I calmly replied that individuals were all different and both positions were equally valid. It's just a question of the meaning you ascribe to things and events, more often than not it just boils down to the words we use to construct those meanings. Some people are moved by faith, some are not. I also added that it was hard for either to convince the other, because if one knew the language of the other there wouldn't be a problem to begin with. As an example, I pointed out that no matter how hard they tried, they might not be able to convince Richard Dawkins about God's existence all around us. People who need evidence need it before they can believe, and people who speak the language of faith need you to believe before you can see the "evidence".

The question here appears to lie on the atheism/theism vs. agnosticism question. Some may be quite happy to believe without having the knowledge, others may disbelieve in the absence of knowledge. Some others may claim to possess the knowledge, which I have to admit seems an odd position to have, but that's my personal viewpoint.

She then asked me what I thought of Richard Dawkins. She said she often felt he said what he did just for publicity. Now despite my tolerance, I don't like people being misunderstood or misrepresented, so I promptly came to Dawkins' defense and told her I didn't think he did it for publicity and he really does believe in what he writes. Or writes what he believes in. Whichever way you look at it.

We agreed that it was best to try and learn about one's religion academically, to make better sense of it and arrive at your own subjective interpretation of it, rather than blindly following what others have said. I would appreciate any effort by the religious to try and deconstruct their religion. I anticipate it will lead to shifts in their world view.

She came across as someone trying to make sense of the world through the prism of her religion, seeking external validation in the process. Far from trying to convince me of the supremacy of her religious world view, she seemed to be quite unconvinced about it herself. I remained largely non committal, making a case for subjective realities, individual choice and preference, and broadmindedness enough to have an opinion while letting others have their own opinions as well. While she nodded along in agreement, I think my non committal answers did frustrate her a little.

Fellow atheists might feel I let her off too easily. That I should have argued against her beliefs, and metaphorically put-her-in-her-place. I on the other hand feel I did quite alright to make my own position known. Why not defend your position more vociferously, some might ask. Why not try to convince the other that religion is less than ideal? That you are right and they are erring?

I don't feel the need to defend my position. I think I am right, and that suffices for me. I am definitely not aiming to convince anyone of anything. I am convinced of my position, and in discussions and exchanges of ideas with me if another were to start thinking or feeling differently, I would regard that as a natural bi-product of a conversation between open minded individuals rather than a victory for "my side" or my powers of persuasion.

In order to influence others' opinions, two conditions must be met. Firstly, you should have conviction in what you're trying to say and secondly, the other should have enough mental elasticity to accommodate your views. If these two conditions are absent, any conscious effort to try and convince another person will be an exercise in futility. On the other hand, if they are both present, I believe some transfer of ideas will naturally occur by osmosis.

While we're on the subject, I definitely don't think the way to make an impression on another person is by belittling their existing viewpoints. Try telling someone suffering from psychosis that they are wrong in believing that Iran is developing nuclear weapons with the specific aim of destroying them, for example, and watch the metaphorical distance between the two of you increase right before your eyes.

Certain types of beliefs are impervious to arguments aimed at proving them wrong. Knowledge/ignorance can be tackled by logical arguments. But what do you do when someone says "I don't know but I believe...." ? The only way to confront those beliefs is by admitting "I hear what you're saying, but this is what I believe". That's the end of it.

We have heard the words "religious tolerance" often enough. What does it mean though? Does it mean respecting all religions equally? Perhaps not. Your own choice and lifestyle make it abundantly clear that you respect one way of life more than another. That's why you choose to follow it. If I choose to practice XYZ to the exclusion of other religions, it's quite apparent that something about XYZ appeals to me more than other religions.

Atheists, it is fair to say, have little respect for any organised religion. Otherwise they wouldn't be atheists, would they?

What exactly is religious tolerance then?

It is not about respecting or supporting other religions. It is about respecting and supporting an other's freedom to choose to practice any or all of those religions. Remember Voltaire's famous quote on tolerance? No, not the one about which considerable controversy still exists, but the straightforward one from his Essay on Tolerance - "Think for yourself, and let others enjoy the privilege to do so".

I trust, or would like to trust, that atheists do believe in liberal humanism even if they scoff at the world's recognised religions. Liberal humanists, while making their views known, let others arrive at their own conclusions about the nature of things. They are broadminded enough to realise that the world is filled with different individuals, each of whom may live their lives as they choose, even with much pomp and show, and have every right to do so.

Let it be known that I also think it is annoying when someone tries to sell an idea to you despite much head-shaking and protests on your part. Religious types can come on pretty strong, I agree. But many a time it seems to me that any discussion on the subject is perceived as being an attempt to promote one's agenda rather than what it is- a mere exchange of ideas. I wish it weren't so.

Of course, for the times that they do hound you and try to win you over to "their side", maybe the above mentioned will help you ward them off by giving them gyaan (a lesson) in tolerance for individual differences and freedom of choice.

Politely saying "Thanks for the offer, but I'm all set for now" might be a better solution than having an angry war of words.

The Baby Delusion

Shudder do I at the thought of reproduction

Prospective parents and their debilitating delusion

Believing their children are the miracle of immortality

When gene-perpetuation is, ironically and evidently,

A hopeless repetition of man's inevitable self-destruction

If I were a dog, I would have chased my tail

Being a woman as opposed to a bored pet dog (I would've said cat, but I can't imagine a cat ever being bored. They just always seem to find stuff to do) I have, in the last three and half hours

- Read a bit of Mrityunjaya

- Done email related things (including deleting my spam messages. It's a compulsive, neurotic thing I must do)

- Read a Spanish newspaper online

- Google-d places of interest

- Stared out the window while contemplating existence (my own and in general)

- Had a headache

- Drunk earl grey tea to soothe myself

- Watched Friends for the hundredth time, and still laughed at the jokes

- Got annoyed by stupid, noisy British youth hanging out outside the house (which led me to reflect on how completely un-relatable I find certain groups of persons)

- Missed things

- Written this post to satisfy a craving for writing something unlikely to lead to introspection or changes in mood

She wept and wept from morn to night &

Soon shut up, lest she cause a fright

For those who couldn't find words to say

To soothe her when she was less-than-gay

And so it was day after day

Till death- a life of feigned delight

On marriage

Beyond thyself shalt thou build. But first of all must thou be built thyself, rectangular in body and soul...

...Not only onward shalt thou propagate thyself, but upward! For that purpose may the garden of marriage help thee!

...Marriage: so call I the will of the twain to create the one that is more than those who created it.

...The reverence for one another, as those exercising such a will, call I marriage.


...Far from me also be the God who limpeth thither to bless what he hath not matched!

- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra

The Epidemic of Botched Plastic Surgery

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/congresswoman_says_botched?utm_source=a-section

Que divertido ! B-)