Clean ≠ Fair

It is either my good fortune or bad that I am not exposed to Indian advertisements on a regular basis any longer. Recently, a friend posted a link to this article about a new feminine hygiene/ beauty product that appears to have hit the Indian markets- Clean and Dry.

While I agree with many of the points made by Pal (the author)- namely the objectification of women and the locating of their self-worth entirely in how their physical self is perceived by others- I’d like to offer my own thoughts on the product and the ad which I believe are quite distinct from one another (a distinction not clearly apparent in the above mentioned article). I believe that the advertisement is not only a failure as far as feminism is concerned but also as far as good advertising is concerned.

The ad

The advertisement is awful and misogynistic on several accounts. Firstly, let’s take the song. The ad opens with a wistful female voice singing ‘Kho Gaye Hum Kahan…’ Only problem is, the 'hum' (i.e. the duo) do not appear lost in the slightest. The woman is in grief. The man clearly is not.

This line could potentially also apply to any domestic difficulty from infidelity to divorce to bankruptcy. I'm sure a coffee company could recycle the same song and make an ad opening with the same sequence as this one ending in the couple being all happy and content because they changed their brand of coffee. So for me, apart from the fact that the ad depicts the woman (and only the woman) fretting over/ mourning a loss that later turns out to be related to her partner's sexual interest in her, the song in the ad is abrupt, unclear and well, pointless.

The final line of the song is 'Jaana na, hai taazgi yahan' (roughly translated as 'Don't go, here be freshness!) which plays soon after the woman throws the man's keys down her shorts. Is she inviting him to have sex or begging him to stay because she has now 'fixed the problem'?

The man is depicted as being either totally oblivious of his partner’s anguish or totally unconcerned by her distress. Both are fairly undesirable stances. He’s shown to be reading the paper –a somewhat intellectual activity (depending on which paper one reads of course) and carrying on with his life while she ponders over what is lost in their relationship. This suggests that her self-worth begins and ends with how often she and her partner have sex while his sense of self is undisturbed by this aspect of their relationship.

Anatomical ambiguity

My main critique of Pal's article is the failure to distinguish between various components of female genitalia and the use of the word ‘vagina’ by the author when this ad seems to refer to an larger area. I'd like to stress that I am not defending the ad or its ambiguity but only pointing out an anatomical-linguistic inaccuracy that reduces the clarity of what is being communicated. The vagina is not the most visible part of the genitals so it’s more likely that the focus of beautification is on external genitalia. Cosmetic surgery to make the genitals 'look nicer' is increasingly becoming popular in the west and almost always or majorly involves a reconstruction, realignment etc. of the vulva or labia.

Beauty vs. Hygiene

It is very interesting that the ad for the intimate wash is drastically different in its content from an ad for a cream version of the same brand/ product.

Here’s the ad for the wash

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Tx9vVVMWw0

And here’s the ad for the cream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWRg8XvmzHA

I’m going to bullet-point the major points of departure between the two commercials

- The former has beautification as it’s core benefit while the latter emphasises hygiene (with the almost too professional looking doctor as the main protagonist).

- In the former, the woman’s unhappiness is relational. I.e. it is not limited to how she feels about herself but rather how her partner responds to/ feels about her. In the latter there is no mention of a relationship/ partner/ sexual desirability as the doctor speaks to an animated version of a female patient about discomfort, problems and infections in the genital region. This suggests a more internal sense of comfort/ happiness with one’s body and how one feels about oneself rather than approval from one’s partner in the form of a willingness to engage in coitus.

- The latter makes direct references to possible infections and problems women may experience which is totally absent in the former, giving viewers misguided impressions about the cause of the woman’s dissatisfaction with her genitals and contributing to a negative perception of female genitalia in general.

- There is no silly song or wistful longing in the latter as there is in the former

All of the above make the former misogynistic and offensive and the latter more acceptable.

(On a side note, it is also interesting that the woman in the former appears more ‘modern’/’western’ – clad in shorts- as compared to both the doctor and the animated woman in the latter – wearing saris and salwar-kameez respectively. I may be hypothesising here, but it may reflect the assumption that ‘traditionally’ attired women are more concerned with practical/health issues than sex. The eternal mother/whore dichotomy in traditional Indian psyche. Not entirely implausible, given the appalling views recently expressed regarding the attire and habits of female rape victims).

The existence of an inoffensive ad for a similar product makes it easier for me to isolate the product from the ad and criticise only the advertisement.

The distinction between beauty and hygiene/medical reasons is quite an important one – whether it’s in the field of everyday products or surgery.

I think in general, if there is a new over the counter cream for genital infections/ discomfort, and it is advertised as such, it is a good rather than a bad thing if it allows women to get access to effective medication for non-serious conditions.

The biggest problem with the first ad therefore is its emphasis on ‘fairness’ and a complete lack of any hygiene related advantages to using the product. The unfortunate truth is that the existence of a product that promises to make the nether regions ‘fairer’ doesn’t surprise me. Why would it? It seems like a natural progression after Fair & Lovely (for the face) and Fairglow soap (for the body). Though it is utterly deplorable, I’m not going offer a detailed critique of the fairness bias in Indian – particularly North Indian- society or the fact that in almost all advertising campaigns pertaining to ‘fairness’ products a woman’s physical appearance determines her competence, employability, confidence et cetera, et cetera. I’m in general agreement with feminist writers about the points they make regarding the objectification of women in Indian advertising.

‘Beautification’ of female genitalia and violence against women: related but distinct

Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) (Those who don’t know what this is can read about it here) is beautification of female genitalia at its worst, performed on girls as young as a year old in several countries, majority of which are in Africa. It is torture and abuse practiced on the pretext of ‘religious custom/ duty’ and/or making the woman’s genitalia more pleasing- visually and sexually- for males.

I attended a seminar on Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) in which an FGM nurse specialist was talking about how, in her perception, FGM was also on a continuum of prejudiced, gender discriminatory and archaic patriarchal attitudes, and adult women who opted for cosmetic surgery on their genitals or even piercings etc. in the genitals were willing participants and perpetuators of these attitudes. I haven’t formulated my thoughts coherently on where I stand with regards to such a comparison, but I can try to see the point she’s trying to make.

One of the readers of Pal’s article commented that in a free market people should be permitted to advertise whatever they want while another commented that women who get drawn into the pull of these skin-lightening products based on advertising and marketing don’t deserve much sympathy. On the other hand one could argue that societal attitudes and prejudices are so deeply ingrained and social pressures so high that women who rebel and don’t conform risk ridicule/ disparagement/ isolation and in many cases, let’s be honest, torture/ abuse and even death.

Women who opt for cosmetic surgery to make their genitals more ‘aesthetically pleasing’ may or may not be doing so under pressure to conform. Aggressive advertising by the beauty and cosmetic surgery market probably does have a negative impact on how female (and male consumers) evaluate their own self-esteem and self-worth but the fact of the matter is that women are free to pierce their clitoris and consent to a doctor taking a knife to their genitals should they be so inclined.

The increasing popularity of cosmetic surgery is not something to celebrate because it indicates that we are tumbling down a path of insecurity and unhappiness with our physical selves and moving from an internal to an external locus of evaluation that, especially for women, begins and ends with how they look.

For many, FGM may lie on the same continuum as cosmetic surgery but while the former is criminally abusive the latter is merely tragic. To put things simply, preventing women from opting for genital reconstruction for aesthetic reasons is not the way to tackle FGM. Similarly, it is tragically true that the objectification of women occurs at varying levels and degrees. While all of its forms, levels and degrees are unacceptable, all of them are not the same as rape and violent sexual assault. There is a distinction between social attitudes that contribute to violence against women and girls and acts of violence. Tackling both is essential if we are to create a world in which women and girls can live free from fear of violence but the distinction between the two must not be lost.

“Just tell the judge it was my fault, and I’ll get sued!”*

I’m sure this worrying trend has been around for longer than a few years but either it rears its ugly head more frequently nowadays or I have started paying more attention to it. The trend I am referring to is of a large section of society moving towards an entirely external locus of control over their choices, actions and consequences. A trend that completely disregards autonomy and free will and locates the cause of many social, criminal and health related issues in videogames, advertising, marketing or rap music. Somewhere along the line, in the perception of said section of society, we have all become unthinking, undiscerning zombies who are passive recipients of messages from the outside world and totally vulnerable to their allegedly damaging effects. All sense of free will and agency is lost when these watchdogs blame or attempt to control what we watch, hear or consume rather than allowing us to be responsible for the choices we make- positive or negative.

Last week in the UK, a number of people went totally berserk and started hoarding petrol after one British MP remarked that there was going to be a fuel shortage and that people should start stocking up. Fire services were among the many who were up in arms about what they regarded as an irresponsible remark and warned people of the dangers of storing highly flammable liquids around the house. One woman suffered severe burn injuries after catching on fire while attempting to transfer petrol from a petrol container to a glass jug. She did this in her kitchen, where there was also a gas burner which may have been on at the time. Couple of days later, news channels reported that 81% people blamed the government’s advice for inciting panic in the public. It probably was a bit careless for an MP to advise people to stock up on petrol in frenzy, but can we really blame him if people subsequently chose to fill cans, buckets and water bottles with the damn thing? I’m acquainted with and know of several people who had the sense not to buy into the panic. That is evidence enough of there being some element of choice governing one’s responses to a piece of advice. In the face of such evidence I cannot logically blame one MP for what was irresponsible behaviour by members of the public.

Some time last year, there was uproar about supermarkets lowering the prices of chocolates and other sugary, fatty foods. Forgetting the fact that supermarkets were involved in an aggressive price war for all types of products and goods, groups and charities working to tackle the problem of obesity left no stone unturned in deeming this action by supermarkets utterly irresponsible. Two questions sprang to mind. 1. Since when did supermarkets assume responsibility for regulating the diet of the general population? 2. Why should the healthy, chocolate-loving section of society have to pay higher prices? I also had serious concerns about how these groups view obesity and what support they provide to people struggling with the problem. It seemed to me that they either believe that all people just walk around buying whatever is available cheaply without giving any thought to whether they need it, want it or should buy it, or that only the obese are susceptible to this kind of thoughtless shopping. The latter smacks of prejudice and if it’s the former, as a member of the group ‘all people’, I strongly object to this complete denial of my personal agency and am quite insulted by the unstated but obvious assumption being made here- that I cannot be trusted to make decisions about my behaviour. More recently, similar phenomena occurred with regards to the price of alcohol.

Similarly, I don’t think it’s fair that cigarette companies- as motivated as any other private enterprise by the desire to maximise their profits- are subjected to aggressive advertising/marketing controls. Cigarette packs have had to carry the ‘Smoking is injurious to health’ warning for several decades. Is it just me or is it true that in recent times the warning letters have become blacker, bigger and often larger than even the brand name? Australia recently passed legislation ordering cigarette companies to package cigarettes in identical, plain packaging without any branding and to carry graphic images of the consequences of smoking. In India, TV channels that carry images of people smoking often blur out the cigarette. So all we see is the hero doing something with his mouth to something blurry. I may be wrong, but I don't think this is necessarily better than just showing the damn cigarette.

I bet if you conducted a survey of smokers few, if any, would harbour the delusion that cigarette smoking improves one’s physical health. That being the case, I think cigarette companies should carry a written warning in a reasonable font size but be allowed to use attractive colours and attractive models in their marketing and advertising. As an adult, if I buy something purely because it comes in a pretty box or because I believe doing so will allow me to save children or date a supermodel, I and only I am responsible for the consequences of my decision.

Finally, there’s the matter of the influence of violent videogames and rap music on society, especially children. I recall reading about an incident in India in which a kid watched Shaktimaan (a TV show about a superhero), harboured a wish to fly like the superhero and died after jumping from his balcony. Was it tragic? Undoubtedly. Was the show to blame? Not in the slightest. A rapper famously said that if a child is easily influenced by everything he says in his songs, the child’s parents ought to reflect on why that is the case. Okay, so I have forgotten the actual words and it probably sounded a lot cooler the way he said it, but you get the point. I've been listening to rap since I was a teenager and I frequently play videogames that involve not inconsiderable amounts of killing, shooting, decapitating etc. in spite of which I have never owned a firearm, snorted cocaine or committed homicide in real life. I think there’s something drastically wrong when TV shows and videogames have a greater influence on a child’s moral and social upbringing than his or her family environment to an extent that the child cannot distinguish between virtual and the real worlds. Besides, almost everything comes with guidance on age-appropriateness and warnings of graphic sexual or violent content. I once met a woman who was all in favour of stricter controls and disciplining in schools but seemed to have either ignored or not noticed the ‘17 years and older’ sticker on all the videogames her pre-teen son was playing.

We’d all be better off if we were left to read the labels, use our brains and arrive at our own conclusions about what we want to watch, play, follow, listen to or ingest.

Rockstar Games™ can only do so much and I think their responsibility ends once the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) sticker is applied to the game. Consumers and parents/carers (in case of children) need to take it from there.

Mommy and daddy relinquish the right to blame Rockstar Games™ if their 11-year-old starts using swear words that he/she picked up while playing Grand Theft Auto.

(*From the song 'Sing for the moment' by Eminem)

A critique of one argument against the niqab

A BBC article reads - 'The niqab, says leading feminist philosopher Elizabeth Badinter "is totally contrary to the three principles of the French Republic". Those principles - liberty, equality, fraternity - can be seen written or carved on the front of every French town hall. By hiding your face, Mrs Badinter explains as she sips a small black coffee in her elegant apartment in Paris, you breach the principle of equality". She who hides her face is in a position superior to mine," she says. "She sees me but she refuses to reciprocate."'

There was an article in the Times recently that expressed a similar grievance. The author, Alice Thomson, complains about how while watching her offspring playing in Hyde Park with that of a veiled woman, she felt uncomfortable because she couldn't see the other woman's face. This, if the sentiment expressed in the article was anything to go by, caused much tumult in the world of the former. In the absence of non verbal facial cues, she found herself grappling in vacuum in order to understand how the other was responding to her. Was she friend or foe? Was she smiling under the veil or scowling? The title of the article - You are cutting me off as well as you- made me want assume the role of the veiled lady and say, "Okay. So what if I am?"

Both Badinter and Thomson allude to an alleged social inequality and disequilirbrium that emerges when one party is veiled and the other is not. I find this line of argument bizarre. Even if one forgets momentarily that while espousing principles of equality and whatnot, these women are suggesting that others change the way they dress because it causes the subjects some social discomfort, the point they are making seems petty to say the least.

If Badinter has a problem with the lack of reciprocity in the whole she-can-see-me-but-I-can't-see-her predicament, the issue is clearly her own. What startles me if the fact that she is regarded as a champion for women's rights. Feminism involves, among other things, empowerment of women so that they develop a sense of personal agency. Her first solution to this made-up problem however seems to involve changing the other rather than self, thereby turning the locus of control outward. What is her real problem? Is it that she can't see the other? Or that the other can see her? If it's is the latter, rather than asking others to disrobe, she should put in place structures that make her only as visible as she wants to be. If it is the former, then it is not worth wasting time over.

This scenario is a bit like wishing chlorophyll wasn't green. You can either moan about it, move on, or try to change it from green to purple. The last option is not really an option due to its impossibility, which in turn is due to the fact that it is not within your realm of control. Similarly, how someone else dresses is not something you can control. The only option available is to ban women from covering their faces, but mind you, it is definitely not one that can be exercised while hiding behind the equality banner.

The BBC reporter points out the contrast in Badinter's verbal commitment to equality while sitting in her elegant flat sipping tea. The suggestion that equality will be restored if the veiled women drop their veils, so that everyone would be equally visible, reeks of an unquestioned sense of superiority. Her argument assumes that to see and be seen is something desirable, and the social norm that one ought to aspire towards. Would it not be equally equal, if everyone wore a veil? The question of relative superiority or power would not arise, everyone would be equally (in)visible, and this alleged advantage of the veiled that is the cause of much distress would be obliterated. Thomson also moans along similar lines when she calls the burqa "a passive- aggressive statement, a rejection of the community. The person wearing it is signalling that either she or her family wants her to remain apart from society"

So now we're going to have a problem with people exercising their right to remain apart from whoever the hell they want?

The other pertinent question to consider, and one that is an exercise more appropriate for Thomson, is this- What is it that makes the reaction of a stranger mean so much? I personally couldn't care less if I couldn't read the expression of a stranger in a park. The fact that Thomson does speaks volumes about her. Reading her article, especially the title, I wonder if she would be satisfied with uncovered faces that displayed unsociable expressions.

She writes, "From her eyes I couldn’t tell whether she was frowning in disgust at my bare legs or smiling as our children squealed." Firstly, the fact that Thomson's first thought was the possibility of her bare legs being disgusting leads me wonder if she is projecting her own moral anxiety about exposed skin onto someone else. Secondly, even if the burka-ed woman had been visibly disgusted at Thomson's bare legs, something tells me Thomson wouldn't have been content just knowing that.

So what, dear Alice, is your real problem?

The 'cutting off' can't just be a matter of not-knowing what the other is thinking/feeling, since we can't say we are socially connected to someone who openly communicates an unfriendly attitude towards us. The accusation in the title- "You are cutting me off"- seems more like a disguised plea- "I want you to like me"

Oh this grey country !

It is 10:00 AM and all the curtains are open. Yet, I am having to sit under glowing, yellow, artificial light.

¡Qué ridículo!

All citizens are equal * (Conditions Apply)

(I noticed a draft of this post while labelling other posts. I had started writing it over a year ago. Recent events - involving Continental Airlines, APJ Abdul Kalam, a bunch of fools in the Indian Parliament, and a moronic blog entry on TOI - have prompted me to post it at the present time)

"...we have made many mistakes. But through all these missed opportunities and mistakes we have stoutly defended our freedom, democracy,the rule of law, liberty and equality for all citizens, and our proud civilisation and history"

P.Chidambaram in "Abject Poverty can be Eradicated": India of My Dreams.

Yes. India of your dreams is right. For if one were to actually check each of these with simple examples from daily life and reality, it ought to shock us back out of this grandiose delusion.

To save time and effort, and because the others were not what impelled me to write this post, I am going to leave them aside and focus on just one of these principles we have so "stoutly defended".

Equality for all citizens.

It is utter crap. And if we only look around, there are several examples to show that we are being lied to. To. Our. Faces.

If we were all, from A-Z, equal then I(we) wouldn't have to go the airport, for example, and read a big board that says "All persons are subject to strict security checking procedures except the following....

-The Prime Minister
-The President
-E T and C

I don't think there exists a rational explanation for why they should be exempt. On what grounds are they allowed to pass while others have to be checked and frisked?

I don't have a problem with being checked and frisked, really. The problem is the preferential treatment.

A big deal was made about Kalam being asked to go through a security check just like everyone else. Kalam being the unassuming man that he is, didn't act fussy, and co-operated. But the other ministers of India would have none of this and raised a hue and cry in the Rajya Sabha demanding that the airline apologise. The Minister for Aviation obliged, as did the airline.

Now I can think of two reasons why current MPs would get so flustered by an incident that concerns them not

1. They have fragile egos and their sense of importance and worth is governed by whether they are asked to pass through a metal detector or not. If someone who actually has some strength of character was "treated this way", what chance do they have to convince themselves that they are worth a dime?

2. They clearly want to waste time in the parliament discussing petty things like this (and what language people should talk in!), rather than discussing ways to deal with other problems that the nation is grappling with.

Rather than regarding it as an "insult to the nation" if politicians and former politicians are asked to undergo security checks, I think it will do us all a lot of good if they willingly participated. They are meant to be leaders right? Why don't they lead us through the metal detector as well then! Plus, if they do it, it might knock some sense into non-politicians who think they are VIPs because of how heavy their pockets are.

I don't think CA should have apologised. This reminds me of an incident at Bukhara, New Delhi where I overheard two foreigners request the waiter to make their kebabs less spicy. The waiter promptly told them that kebabs were spicy by nature, and would not be changed. I like the whole take-what-you-get-or-fuck-off attitude. If CA has certain security procedures to follow, it shouldn't have to apologise for them.

The guy on the TOI blog said the Kalam incident was like asking Hillary Clinton to go through a security check when she visits India. I don't think there is anything wrong with that either. It's a security check for god's sake! One should question their intentions when they vehemently oppose it, just because it causes one to wonder what they have to hide.

The last line of an article in TOI made me really angry- "There have been instances where Indian VIPs have been treated shabbily at foreign airports."

If going through security checks is "shabby treatment" then isn't it shameful and worrying that the GOI (meant to be by, of and for the people) is okay with every other citizen of India being subjected to it?

Another example, and I am sure everyone who has been through this experience will agree, is the fact that whenever a "VIP" passes by a certain area, or is about to, they have all these cops stopping regular traffic. It is the most absurd and revolting thing! To be in a car, waiting for some man/woman to drive past, and cooperate while you are effectively being told that he/she is more important than you are.

I mean, if the proud pricks have to be somewhere in such a hurry, and if they are so bloody important, they ought to have the brains enough to leave their homes a little sooner keeping in mind the time of day and traffic flow like the rest of us do.

Even if you leave aside the fact that it is absolutely shameful to pledge allegiance to principles of equality, liberty and justice for all and clearly give priority to some citizens over the others, it is a violation of democratic principles. Why should I wait for the other guy to pass? Because they tell me to. And because they will either shoot me or throw me in prison for trying to get onto a road that's supposedly meant for everyone and that the government maintains by fleecing people of their hard earned money.

It violates this alleged equality by adding a " * " and a small print.

* except for some, who are special.

Psychosis of a "crazier" kind

“I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking this question,” she said. “And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, ‘Do not compromise this. You need to stand up for Me and you need to share with all these people...you need to witness to them’.”

Carrie Prejean in a radio interview on her opposing same sex marriages.

More here

What I don't fully understand is, how come these people get invited to talk shows and such, while people who think aliens are using their bodies to wage war against insects have to languish in mental asylums?

Oh Kindred Spirit !

"While portraying dogs as humans may bring you satisfaction, consider that this satisfaction is, in actuality, rooted in extreme egoism, borne out of a deeper and more extreme insecurity: To see a lesser creature acting and speaking as you speak is at once validating and entertaining, for along with the silly laugh comes the calming reassurance that no other mammal on Earth can possesses advanced thought. You laugh because your place in the world remains unthreatened"

More here: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/stop_anthropomorphizing_me

More despair at our species

The world recently lost a one eyed, three legged dog named Gus to cancer. The little creature had been given the title of the "Ugliest Dog in the World" by the most confusing and mind numbingly weird species on earth- Human Beings.

He beat several other canines to win the title apparently. I mean, let's just take a look at what we're saying here and admonish ourselves. A dog competed against other dogs for the title of the world's ugliest dog.

Admit it. You haven't heard anything sillier. You and I both know that he didn't wake up one day, look in a mirror, conclude he had a fairly good chance and saunter off to sign up for the pageant.

It's a shame indeed that beauty has come to be associated in the human world by one's physical appearance.* But when we apply our own questionable standards to poor creatures of the animal kingdom, and judge them by the same, it really leaves me grasping in vacuum for something to say.

I don't know what drives human beings to act this way towards animals. Dressing them in people's clothes, making them participate in ugliness contests, getting them married to each other...

Camus once said that man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.

Is that why we can't stand the fact that there are wonderful creatures who are quite at peace with being what they are?

Is it envy that drives people to humanise animals?

I like to think so. It's much more a reflection of reality than the alternative that comes to my mind...

Pity.

*Reminds me of a poem I read recently. Allow me to share.

A young spring-tender girl

combed her joyous hair

'You are very ugly' said the mirror

But,on her lips hung

a smile of dove-secret loveliness,

for only that morning

had not the blind boy said,

"You are beautiful"?

-- Spike Milligan

Once in a while, there comes along a Fwd that is more than just trash.

Someone forwarded me a long list of crazy "things-to-do-when-you-are-bored". Some are more like general tips on good living. I liked. I also appreciate the thought that went into coming up with them in the first place. Don't know who did though. Whoever! If you are reading this, let it be known that a good time was had because of you and that your mind has been of good use to someone else. Congratulations for that!

Now, not only were some of them awfully American and totally not applicable to India or Indians, some were actually quite offensive to animals (For e.g. there was one that suggested "throwing your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet" or "shave your cat") and those have been removed from the list below.

So yes, read and enjoy and take down these Vishesh Tippanis.

I have taken the liberty of minor changes to some and have of course, given my own experiences with the VTs or thoughts on the same.

Presenting: What-to-do-when-you-are-bored-or-what-to-refer-to-when-you-need- a-little-direction-in-life

• Sharpen your teeth
  


• Play Houdini (I would love to. Under supervision and with the paramedics waiting of course. Houdini has always enraptured my mind)
  

• Clean and polish your belly button
  

• Water your dog...see if he grows (Okay, I didnt think this was offensive)
  


• Wash a tree (Gladly. Have washed a plant before)
  


• Knight yourself (Done that in my mind a few times)
  


• Give your cat a mohawk (Don't have one. But I imagine this might be fun if the cat doesnt scratch your eyes right out while you are in the process of styling its hair)
  


• Purr (Done this before. It is thoroughly enjoyable)
  


• Whine (Who doesn't?)
  


• Listen to a painting
  


• Play with matches (Done this. I wish matchsticks were longer. Maybe I should add, "Invent long matchsticks" to this list. Consider it added)
  


• Read Homer in the original Greek
  

• Change your mind

• Change it back


• Learn Greek (Alrighty!)
  


• Watch the sun...see if it moves (Check. Buy special glasses first)
  


• Stand on your head (I have a weird head problem which makes my head hurt if I am upside down for long. So this might not be fun for me. But others are most welcome to try)
  

• Stand on someone else's head (Believe it or not, have done this before. Again, enjoyable but kinda difficult to retain balance. Hold a wall while at it, is my suggestion)
  


• Build a pyramid (Next: climb it)
  

• See how long you can stay awake (This is only possible if I do many of the other things on the list)
  


• See how long you can sleep
  


• Speak with a forked tongue (I couldn;t really imagine this, but I think this has potential for fun-ness)
  

• Have a proton fight ( *Grin. Reminded of Calvin and Hobbes)
  


• Quiver (Ooh, what fun!)
  


• Learn to type...with your toes (This is seriously on the agenda)
  


• Be someone special (Err...blah)
  


• Go back to square one (I seem to find myself here all the time, causing me to wonder whether there ever is anything beyond it)
  


• Memorize a series of random numbers (I bet this is invented by Ebbinghaus' grandson)

• Learn Sanskrit (Sob sob. I shall. I promise! I even bought myself a "Teach yourself Sanskrit" book two years ago. Aham Gacchami)
  


• Exist...existentially, of course (Favourite thing to do. Or something I always aspire to do)
  


• Take a picture (Done. Sigh etc. Wish I could do it more often)
  


• Sandpaper a mushroom (He he. I don't like mushrooms. So this sounds promising as a potential outlet for latent aggression)
  


• Put it back (Mutters to self)
  


• Run for Pope (First, run after. Second, run over. And then run for- :-P)
  


• Count to a million...fast (See, this seems do-able. But doesn't excite me as such. Why I left it on? Who knows?)
  


• Make a schematic drawing...of a rock (I am sure I have done this in the past)
  

• Commit seppuku...with a paper knife (I recently bought a blunt switchblade that has cost my friends some of their sanity as I keep going on about what I can do with it and where I can use it. This may be the beginning and the end)
  


• Think shallow thoughts (Haven't I shared my profound insight about how I think shallow is the real deep? That needs an entire post altogether)
  


• Sleep on a bed of nails (Yes. I have always been inspired by Bhishma)
  


• Boil ice cream (This made me make a face similar to --> :-^ but worth doing once)
  


• DON'T toss and turn (I like this. It proves that the thinker-upper of these things to do really wanted to prevent this uncomfortable behaviour that people engage in when bored)
  


• Run around in squares (Would it still be called running "around" if one does it in squares?)
  


• Think of quadruple entendres (Hmmmm....*scratches chin thoughtfully)
  


• Speak in acronyms
  


• Have your pillow X-rayed (Err...okay but only if you promise I won't be arrested for the 3 kgs of Cocaine they will find there)
  


• Drink straight shots...of water (I am a water fan. Drink about 16 ltrs a day. Haven't tried this ever. Have had shots of orange juice though. And had Fanta with a spoon. Both were enjoyable activities)
  


• Calmly have a nervous breakdown (Love this one. I am sure I have done this)
  


• Give your goldfish a perm (I don't have a goldfish. But again, sounds like a plan!)
  


• Exorcise a ghost ( *grin)
  


• Be bluem (Done that)
  


• Be red (Never felt red)
  


• But don't be orange (Dont think I will be)
  


• Paint stripes on a lake (On the agenda for sure. First thought that came to mind- Dal Lake. Second thought- stripes wont go with the triangular mountains surounding it)
  


• Sleep in freefall (I will probably be too busy dying)
  


• Test thin ice...with a pogo stick ( :-) )
  


• Do a good job (I didn't know if this means, with the above recommendation or in general. I like it if it means the former)
  


• Crawl (Done this. Fun.)
  


• Watch a watch until it stops (Real 'time killer')
  


• Flash your goldfish (Oh the poor thing! But I laughed when I read it so left it on)
  


• Paint (Done that. Even with fingers. Painted a star on a friend's wall once, and she said it looked like it had flown in and slammed against the wall and gone "Splat!". I took as a compliment. My star had a personality)
  


• Smile ( :-) )
  


• Paint a smile (I hope they mean draw and not paint paint)
  

• Kick a fire hydrant
  


• Pretend you're blind


• Apologize to it (This was sweet)
  


• Plant a shoe


• Sweat (Yes. You will not be out of line to say "Why the hell?!. But think about it. It may have something that you are missing)
  


• Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil ( *grin)
  


• Turn (This I like because I think it is random-est of them all)
  


• Take your sofa for a walk (I imagine doing this. Without a leash though)
  


• Write a letter to Plato ( Thumbs up)
  


• Mail it (Shall I send it by registered post where he has to sign for it?)
  


• Play the piano...with mittens on (I have always wanted to. Play the piano that is)
  


• Contemplate a cockroach (Again, surprisingly I have done this)
  


• Get a dog to chase your car (I didn't like this one)
  


• Let him catch it (Until I read this)
  


• Form a political party (A friend told me to once, in all seriousness. At the time, all I could come up with was the "All India Non Religious Party of Liberal Humanism")


• Climb a sidewalk (To give a bhaashan - speech)
  


• Have a political party


• Sharpen a carrot (This I thought was very innovative)
  


• Interrogate a gerbil (Now, one would think the inventor had it in for gerbils in a big way)
  


• Annoy yourself (Don't think I can. But I can kill several hours trying to!)
  


• Get mad at yourself (Umm...)
  


• Stop speaking to yourself (NO!!!)
  


• Be a side effect (Love this one!)
  


• Be someone simple (I would be someone complexly simple or simply complex)
  


• Scheme
  


• Sit (Done this)
  


• Stay (Starting to feel like a dog being trained)
  


• Roll over (Hey! There better be a treat at the end of all this!)
  


• Wriggle (Done this)
  


• Play dead (Done this)
  


• Donate your brother's body to science ( * Evil Grin. Can I be the scientist too?)
  


• Find a witch (Ooh, don't forget to pick her brains clean and take notes. Detailed!)
  


• Regress (Done this)
  


• Sleepwalk without sleeping (Done this, I think)
  


• Jump back (Done this. Also, this is definitely more fun than jumping forward)
  


• Play to lose (Done this. Usually while arm-wrestling with kids)
  


• Read a tomato (What fun! I will snack on a cut up book while doing so)
  


• Sharpen your sleeping skills (Have been, in recent times)
  


• Interview a cloud (Big thumbs up)
  


• Put out a fire
  


• If you can't find a fire, make one (This is more fun than the putting out part)
  


• Crumple (This is immensely satisfying)
  


• Translate Shakespeare into English (I like the sentiment here)
  


• Cheer up a potato (Ah! This sounds like a great plan and is worthy of inclusion in the list twice by virtue of being a pass time, as well as a life's little instruction type thing because of its prosocial hues)
  


• Do aerobic exercises...in your head (Done this)
  


• Build a house with ice cubes (This also reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes)
  


• Change your name...daily (Good. I have always wondered how parents can zero in on one name for their kids)
  


• Wonder (Do this. A lot)
  


• Be a square root (Hmm....of?)
  


• Ask stupid questions (As above?)
  


• Spew
  


• Be a monk...for a day (Yes. Definitely worth engaging in)
  

• Staple (I like stapling)
  


• Run away (Oh, what wouldn't I give to..)
  


• Intimidate a piece of chalk ( :-) )
  


• Abuse the plumbing (Done this)
  


• Create random equations
  


• Tell your feet a joke (I am not a good joke teller. But I will ask my feet to tell me one)
  


• Throw a tomato into a fan (Can you imagine the amount of fun this could be?!)
  


• Pretend you're a dog (Have done so. Several times. In fact, have done so in this post itself by now)
  


• Dial-a-prayer and argue with it (Gladly!)
  


• Relive fond memories (I Do)
  


• Gargle (I Do)
  


• Count your teeth with your tongue (Have started, but lose track half way. Must complete)
  


• Decay (I Am)
  


• Build a house out of toothpicks
  


• Howl (Do. Silently)
  


• Wear a lampshade on your head (I can see myself doing this, having perfected the art of wearing a tea-cosy on my head when I was a child)
  


• Memorize the dictionary (Aspire to. Dictionary of several languages)
  


• Make yourself a pair of wings (I would use chiffon dupattas)
  


• Be immobile (Done this)
  


• Dance 'til you drop (Done this)
  


• Moo ( :-P Done this)
  


• Bounce a potato (Can try!)
  


• Out maneuver your shadow (I mean, what a brilliant idea! Really, hats off to the thinker-upper again! Have tried this btw! Great great fun!)
  


• Climb the walls (Have half done this)
  

• Appreciate everything (Cant)
  


• Challenge yourself to a duel (Have imagined this several times. In a black vs. white body-suit)
  


• Let the best man win (Woman, you mean)
  


• Hold an ice cube as long as possible (Have done this. It stings, but it's fun)
  


• Adopt strange mannerisms (Already have)
  


• Blow up a balloon until it pops (I have surprisingly poor lung capacity for blowing up balloons. Have blown bubbles till they pop though. Even with non stick chewing gum)
  


• Sing soft and sweet and clear (Done this)
  


• Sing loud and sour and gravely (This is what it sounds like to others when I am actually trying to do previous one)
  

• Open everything (I am a close-r, really)
  


• Balance a pencil on your nose (Tried. Failed)
  


• Grind your teeth (Done this)
  


• Chew ice (Do this a lot)
  


• Gesture (Do this a lot as well)
  


• Make a pass at your blender (Ooh, *wink)
  


• Make up words that start with X (Xorry! I Xant!)
  


• Sing a duet (Sung)
  


• Balance a pillow on your head (Done)
  


• Hold your breath (Done)
  


• Faint (I thought this was a great idea for a thing-to-do-when-bored)


• Stretch (Done)
  


• Learn to speak Farsi (Damn! This thing is a mind reader as far as me and languages are concerned. I want to learn Farsi. Mostly for Khusro)
  


• Swear in Russian ( Zavali yebalo! I googled it and found it here.)
  


• Use an eraser until it goes away (How come I never thought of this myself!?)
  


• Interview your feet (The first question will be - Can you tell me a joke?)
  


• Make a list of your favorite fungi (You know which fungi I dont like? Mushrooms!)
  


• Sell formaldehyde (Thumbs Up. Reminded of Fight Club)
  


• Make napalm (Thumbs Up. Again, as above)
  


• Begin (Begun)
  


• Hold your earlobes (Done)
  


• Fold your earlobes (Done. This is fun)
  


• Flap (The earlobes? Or the wings I made earlier?)
  


• Squawk (Dont think I can pull this one off)
  


• Read tea leaves (Sorry, I can't drink a book while)
  


• Analyze the Koran (Started. Will do one day. Also the Bhagavad Gita. Actually my brainstorm was to do a comparison/similarity finding type thing. Got it while brushing my teeth one morning many years ago)
  


• Be Buddha (Can do. I wouldn't abandon my family though. Would be wise enough to not have kids either, rather than having them and calling them names)
  


• Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize (Ah! Glory!)
  


• Think lewd thoughts about yourself (Umm...next !)
  


• Peel grapes (Done)
  


• Make paper from the skins (What an idea!)
  


• Send chills down your spine (Done this. It's a fairly regular feature of my existence)
  


• Blow bubbles (Done. Who doesn't enjoy this?)
  


• Bloat (Sigh. Feel like I am most of the time)
  


• Get run over by a train of thought (Done that)
  


• Make up famous sayings
  


• Bite your pinkie (Done this)
  


• Design a better toilet seat
  


• Shred a newspaper (Fun. I like destroying stuff I think. But I would recycle the paper after shredding)
  


• Scratch (my back and I'll scratch yours)
  


• Have a headache (Do. Does anyone want one?)
  


• Sniff (Done that. Fun only if met with tender and soothing words)
  


• Hatch an egg (I have seen a 6 year old do this. It was hilarious to watch. He was playing a game with me where I had to guess what he was)
  


• Spill (Oops)
  


• Act profound (Did I not just say shallow is the new deep? That's profound)
  


• Stare (Done that. Not at people)
  


• Truncate (Would love to)
  


• Put your feet behind your head (Have tried. Got one of them there)
  


• Hold your hand (Done this. It's quite nice. Jodi tor dak shune keu na ashe tobe ekla cholo re)
  


• Watch the minute hand move (But I already watched my watch till it stopped)
  


• Pretend you're a telephone
  


• Ring
  


• Radiate


• Skip (Done that. Should start again in fact.)
  


• Play hopscotch...with real scotch ( * Grin)
  


• Clock the velocity of your REMs (Es posible?)
  


• Put your shoes on the opposite feet (Have. :-P )
  


• Cross your toes (Do)
  


• Roll your tongue (Over :-) ? )
  


• Crystallize
  


• Hide (Do)
  


• Declare war (Ah. Finally I can join El Querido when he says "Hamle ke liye tayyar!"
  


• Seduce your stick shift (err.... the thinker-upper started thinking too much with his own it would seem)
  


• Wink ( ;-) )
  


• Memorize the periodic table (Sigh. Again?)
  


• Mummify (Ooh!)
  


• Collect electrons (There's Calvin and Hobbes again. I swear, they are an overpowering influence in my life)
  


• Repeat (There's Calvin and Hobbes again. I swear, they are an overpowering influence in my life)


• Fade (I shall, one day)
  


• Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
  


• Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong (Gladly!)
  


• Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail ( B-))
  


• Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire (Incidentally, have been watching the TV series lately)
  


• Walk on water...but don't get caught (Shh. Okay)
  


• Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
  


• Be in the wrong place at the right time (for some reason, this sounds more fun than being in the right place at the wrong time)
  

• Plot the overthrow of the Government (Gladly)
  


• Write a book about your previous life (Yes. I have an interesting candidate who fits the bill for my previous life)
  


• Jump up and down...on your alarm clock (For the sleepers, I bet this is something they have mentally done fifty billion times)
  

• Make a quilt out of cocktail napkins
  


• Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniel's
  


• Carve yours and your girlfriend's/boyfriend's initials...in a marshmallow (Probably wouldn't do in on a marshmallow. But it's a passable idea for a passtime me thinks)
  


• Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
  


• Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster (I thought I was hitting on the blender??)
  
• 
  
• See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement (Okay. But I want the IAEA out of it!)
  


• Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy (This was American but worth retaining)
  


• Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
  


• Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed


• Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese (I would prefer paan)
  


• Debate politics with a fern
  


• If you lose, stop watering it and try again. (Love this following previous one)
  


• Be a threat to the American way of life ( *grin)
  


• Do research into the cause of World War III
  


• See how small you can scrunch your face (Done this)
  


• Raise professional certified racing turnips (Ah, don't change your passions for glory!)
  


• Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation (I thought this was cute)
  


• Park your car...with a friend (Done)
  


• Park your car...with a group of friends (Done)
  


• Frame your first statement of bankruptcy (Yes. I have to be ready for when the turnips fail)
  


• Place it on the wall of your office


• Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
  


• Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night (Would love to!)
  


• Play with anything that looks interesting (Do)
  


• Try to ignite water (Hmmmm)
  


• Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up (Yeah. They always annoyed me anyway)
  


• State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
  


• See if diamonds really do cut glass (Yes. And in future don't believe everything they tell you!)

• Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while (This is so morbid and appeals to me)
  

We tolerate the caste system and use chunks of Mars as paper-weights

"...The world has become a small place, in which cooperation is feasible and necessary. We are willing to cooperate not only to use the resources of our planet, but those of other planets also which are now being reached"
.......
"...(India) has been tolerant to different religious concepts, and to the caste system"

Union Home Minister Shri Shivraj Patil
'Acceptance of Anekantvada' in "India of my dreams"

Further proof of our sorry lives

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7263782.stm

As if wasn't tragic enough that human beings have to go through this ritual of marriage, now we inflict this torture on animals as well. Rather than learning their freedom loving, non binding ways of existence, here we are doing the mind-numbingly stupid thing- making them more like us.

Next thing you know, they'll go to court asking for divorce on behalf of the poor creatures, because the monkeys won't stop sleeping around with multiple mates.

I really don't understand why we can't mind our own sad little business.

Whatever the hell that is.

Will the vulgarity never end?

It's getting out of hand I tell you! Even if I come to terms with the insane amount of affection and love being showered on Dhoni & Co. these days, I will never be at peace with the benefits they are getting (monetary and non monetary) because of this T-20 win. It is just vulgar if you ask me. Everyone has lost their marbles and are in such a frenzy to give that they can't stop- Like going downhill in a car, and not being able to hit the brakes. Apart from the hikes in their contracts, each player seems to be getting rewarded amounts ranging from Rs. 3 Lakh - 21 Lakh by their respective State governments* (!!!) And, what's with the free air travel for five years??? I know a hundred people who are more deserving of that but cannot afford it! (Of course, I am including myself as well. It's called "Beheti Ganga mein haath dhona" - If the holy water is flowing anyway, I may as well dip my hands into it)

Now celebrity-hood is something in which irony reveals itself rather splendidly. Once you have enough money to pay for a few luxuries, you get those luxuries free of charge! I am against this on principle. It just isn't fair at all. And makes no sense.

Now I know and you know that the government can definitely make better use of all this money. I applaud the Supreme Court for its recent comment directed towards the government when the former noted a decline of 30% in the centralisation of elementary education for kids over the years, while considering the finances required to make adjustments to make room demanded by the reservation law - "What is more important? Elementary education for children or quota system?"

*This is hilarious. Robin Utthappa is getting 5 Lakh from Karnataka Government, and 3 Lakh from Kerala government because ....his mother was born in Kozhikode!!! Why don't we just trace the entire lineage and find several other states that apparently have all this money to spare? Surely grandparents are also important aren't they?

Social Networking

I realise that most people around me are members of at least one (though in most cases it is more) social networking sites.
Personally, I keep away from these. I was a member of one of them a long time ago, but left because I got in touch with one useful person who I could subsequently remain, and did remain in contact with via email.
Apart from the admission that there is a popularity contest at these places, and the person with most number of "friends" wins- a good time to take another look at this word perhaps*- there is a definite voyeuristic pleasure that people derive out of these places.
"Addictive" is one word people have used for one of them....Facebook. Now I, of the non- social networking- and- having- few- friends category, did not understand how this was possible. What did one do at these places for hours? I was told that you could spend hours going from one profile to another, reading about other people's lives and love. And obviously, if you keep following link after link, there will come a time when you are just looking around at people you don't know.
Such is the craze, that the fact that one can still survive and be a part of the human race if one isn't a member of any of these, strikes people as shocking. People automatically assume that you must be on it.
"Send me photographs", I said to a friend recently.
"Oh, they're on my facebook thing"
"Umm...I am not on facebook!"
"You and your vagueness. Everyone is on it"
"Ummm...clearly not everyone!"

And even better than that was getting scolded for having deleted my profile from facebook! This was a shocker. "Where have you been? Why have you gone underground? Haven't called. Haven't messaged. Facebook profile deleted!"
Holy Cow: "Been here" "Haven't" "Neither have you" X 2 "Hmm...Wait a second!! What??! I was never on the damn thing to begin with!"

* For more, see this

And then there were none...

Ever wondered about those wonderfully hopeful words that seem to find a place in nearly 50% of all Bollywood films? I am speaking, of course, of the several references to the "Saat janam" or seven lives that all men and women are entitled to. "Humara saath is janam ka hi nahi, saat janam ka hai" (Our relationship isn't just for the duration of this lifetime, but for all seven" or "Main is janam mein tumhara nahi ho saka to kya? Agle janam mein tumhara ho kar rahoonga" (What if I can't be yours in this life? Come what may, I will be yours in the next one)

The strange and hilarious thing is that all of these are pregnant with the assumption of there always being an "agla janam" or next life. What if there isn't? What if you're actually sitting there going on and on about how you have six, five, four, three, two or even one life safely stored away somewhere, oblivious to the fact that - uh oh!- this IS the seventh one?? Last. The end. El fin. Tamaam.

How come we never get to hear any other numbers? No one seems to say, "teen janam to ho gaye, ab sirf chaar janam ka saath baaki hai" (three lives have been spent and only four remain)

For once, I would like to watch the heroine kick the hero in "the place that god created only to be treated nicely" when he makes any references to a subsequent life and say "Bewakoof! Shut up with your agla janam pagla janam! Your quota is finished!!"

I mean, really! The cat can't always have nine lives can it?!!

And then one day, it will be outraged to find that it has been respectfully transported to heaven. When it purrs in protest - "Wait! There must be some mistake! I am not supposed to be here! I am supposed to have nine lives aren't I?!" - a voice will answer : "Sorry love, weren't you keeping count? That was actually the last one."

The "responsible" Indian media

The Indian media has become a pro at asking the most redundant and stupid questions. Two instances come to mind-

First, when Pratibha Patil was nominated as the UPA presidential candidate out of the blue, the question being asked by the news channels was "Is India ready for a female president?". I would like to know what the question means. What sort of answer does it warrant? Are we supposed to roll up our sleeves and say, "yeah...bring it on baby, we're ready for you" or stutter and fumble and mumble "uh...umm...I dunno...uh ..uh...I'm not sure..", ask for a few days/months/years to prepare ourselves, after which we will take a deep breath and say "Okay, now we're ready!" What does it mean when they ask us whether we're prepared. How does one prepare oneself for a woman president?

The whole emphasis on her being a woman itself annoys me greatly. I mean, her name has been nominated and no one has any idea about her credentials or what she was doing for a living till now. But no, all that is not important. All the news was about her being a woman. I have to be honest. I keep away from politics largely. Consequently, I don't know many politicians. So I didn't know who she was. I had to Google for more information on the woman who would possibly become the president of the country of which I am a citizen. The least that the news channels could have done was to have "quick facts about PP's life" running on the bottom of the screen when they were debating the goodness of fit between a woman, a president and the nation's state of preparedness for the two of them put together.

The other really idiotic discussion that a leading news channel- I think it was NDTV- was having was sparked by the kidnapping and murder of a young boy by some people he came in contact with through a social networking site on the Internet. The big question was "do social networking sites need greater safeguards"? Fantastic. This is another example of how human beings create something and then give it more power than their own rational thought- for other examples refer to social customs and practices. I am talking of machines, inanimate objects created by man, to be used the way man chooses to, their existence and functionality completely dependant on man.

Questions like "is the Internet dangerous" or "is TV a bad influence" are shockingly moronic! There is no doubt that what happened to the young man was very very unfortunate. But its not the social networking sites that need safeguards. It is the brain of the user that needs safeguards. What can the website possibly do to prevent you from befriending strange people? Wait...why the hell should the website take responsibility for it anyway?

Oh, I just got reminded of a third instance. The whole shaktimaan controversy. If a child watches a superhero jump off a building wearing deep purple and gold coloured clothing that had a rather velvety appearance, imitates him, jumps off a building and loses his life, it really isn't the television shows fault! But there they were, scores of people protesting and asking for it to be taken off the air immediately. Why? Probably because they're afraid of being judged callous if they spoke the truth- that the only people who could be held responsible were the child's parents, or the child him or herself.