Further proof of our sorry lives

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7263782.stm

As if wasn't tragic enough that human beings have to go through this ritual of marriage, now we inflict this torture on animals as well. Rather than learning their freedom loving, non binding ways of existence, here we are doing the mind-numbingly stupid thing- making them more like us.

Next thing you know, they'll go to court asking for divorce on behalf of the poor creatures, because the monkeys won't stop sleeping around with multiple mates.

I really don't understand why we can't mind our own sad little business.

Whatever the hell that is.

In times of globalisation...we are glad about Uttar Pradesh

You get everything everywhere and anything anywhere these days. The world is becoming a mixing pot to an extent that places can easily steal the thunder of other places that were famous for certain things.

I mean, my greatest grievance against this is that you no longer have to go to Benaras to have the best Benarasi paan (I went to Benaras, and the paan was nothing compared to the one that Claridges Hotel wale Pandit Ji so lovingly folds up for me), or travel to Tamil Nadu to have the best Sambhar Vada. Wouldn't it be more fun if you had to make that journey and not have everything served at your doorstep (Literally, what with home deliveries being promised by even the tackiest establishments)

In such troubling times, The Holy Cow is most delighted to tell the world that you still get the best samosas and kachoris in U.P.

I mean, Bikanervala or Haldiram's just doesn't come close! The halwais of Uttar Pradesh remain unbeaten in the art of samosa and kachori making.

Someone just brought the above-mentioned delectable delights from Mathura, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I was dying with every bite I took.

It was the most perfect samosa I have ever eaten. A work of art.

The taste, the texture.... sigh! Pure brilliance.

I don't know what they put in them, but I sure am glad about the fact that the state remains the best in the business despite migration, mingling and mutations.

P.S. This is more about ideology really. Holy Cow is very glad that Panditji's paan is so close by.

:-)

John Lennon forgot one thing...

"Imagine no relationships"

Imagine if every person was actually an island.



One evening, walking along the ordinary roads of a typical colony in New Delhi, regressed enough to be craving chocolate and chips, TQ said to me, "You know that feeling? Of 'aloneness' even while in an experience of love?



Half way through this sentence, I smiled and looked at her with a glance that made her realise she needn't have asked me that question.



So throwing her arm around me with a little laugh, she said, "I knew you would understand exactly what I mean"


Ultimately, everyone is alone. You can love and you can give and you should have a bloody fantastic time doing that, but you shouldn't expect anything in return. Nada.

Is it pessimistic?



:-) Not at all ! Its liberating to arrive at this realisation. Because it does away with expectations. Expectations ruin you. They come with relationships, and relationships tend to be a bit screwed up anyway. Why? Because they give an illusion of non-aloneness.



You might say that it's all great talk, but that's not how relationships work.



Of course. Why do you think I lament over relationships? (Insert dramatic 1950's anguished Hindi film heroine pose here)



But it's the truth. All you can really derive joy out of is the way you feel. It's the only reliable thing.



Seekh Zaheen ke dil se jalna, kahe ko har shamma pe jalna?

Apni aag mein khud jal jaaye, tu aisa parwana ban ja



Yeah, its very Advaita Vedantic. Those guys definitely knew what they were talking about.


The 'truth' segment in the sidebar of this blog sings a song.



The lines that are absent are



Humsafar koi gar mile bhi kahin

Dono chalte rahe tanha tanha


Cheers to that comrades!

Complaints- Part Two

UEFA champions league.

Matchday 2 of knockout round, first leg.

AC Milan Vs. Arsenal.

Telecast on Zee Sports again!

All the swear words, used in all possible permutations and combinations, targetting all the family members of the addressee, in all the languages in the world would not suffice to capture my feelings for the television channel controllers at this moment.

Those who do not understand what this is about, see Complaints-Part One

Complaints- Part One

Being a fan of el futbol, one has to deal with the difficulties of not living in a football loving country that shows twenty sports channels covering all the matches being played on a given night.

UEFA Champions league resumed last night- Knock Out round.

And, first thing I did in the morning, was to open the newspaper early in the morning with trepidation, only to find my worst fears confirmed.

The Real Madrid Vs. AS Roma game was being telecast on Zee Sports.

Problem? I don't get Zee Sports!

I get Zee Studio, Zee Cafe, Zee Cinema, Zee TV, and Zee Music but no Zee Sports.

So I was generally complaining to TQ about how pitiable my condition was etc. and had just finished a dramatic monologue along the lines of "Oh its not like I am asking for too much! Zee sports is an Indian channel! Its not like I want to watch Sky Sports 1 and 2! Its not like I am making demands for Real Madrid's 24X7 channel, which btw shows in NEPAL but not in India!..."

When I was interrupted by her question-
"What would you give in order to be able to watch Real Madrid 24X7?"

My answer-

"Uhhh...like 100 bucks a month?"

Her expression was priceless! Given my anguished outburst a few moments ago, she said she expected me to say something like "My right arm"

But the truth is, as much as I love football and Real Madrid, there aren't very many things I would give up my right arm for.

She then asked me to name ONE thing I would give up my right arm for.

I grinned and said there was one thing-
I would give up my right arm if someone would assure me that the world would change to fit my Utopian ideal- no need to work to earn your bread, no attachments, no relationships, lots of passion, liberty, freedom to just 'be' without having to be someone or some thing, world where marriages aren't 'something to be done', a world where having babies isn't 'something to be done'...

You get the drift.

Couldn't come up with any other thing worth my right arm.

P.S. I was complaining to a psychoanalyst and to TQ about how the greatest tragedy was that you had to earn your bread and butter. Because most admissions that tell you interesting things about a person start with "If I didn't have to work to earn my bread and butter..."

Why?! Why do we have to work to earn bread and butter! I don't even like bread that much! Sob Sob

P.P.S- I read the minute by minute commentary on uefa.com. Real Madrid lost yesterday. 2-1. I blame it on my being unable to watch the match. Sports is the only thing I get superstitious about.

We need a speaker's corner in New Delhi.

I think I do a decent job of not sugar coating things most of the time, but much remains to be done.

Anyway, Nawaz Sharif is an inspiration for the moment. He has just stated that Pervez Musharraf has "lost his mental balance".

I like the honesty. Frankly, thats what we need. We need people to call a spade a spade, whether the spade in question is a corrupt theif of a politician, a government that is clearly failing miserably at implementing its policies, or just a friend who needs a reality check.

Impassioned by what Nawaz Sharif has roused in me, I would also like to state that Pratibha Patil being the first woman president of India is hardly something to be proud of! So stop saying it! Stop making it out to be a big deal.

As a woman, when I hear that it makes me angry.

Imagine her being introduced to the world for the first time-

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Introducing! For the first time ever! Leader of over a billion! Supreme Commandant of the Armed Forces of the Republic of India! A shining example of She Shakti! The Hon'ble President of India- Smt. Pratibha Devisingh Patil!"

I can just picture a large crowd, standing up a little more with every word of the presenter, in spine tingling anticipation.

And then when she trots onto the stage, I can also imagine the applause of thousands reduced to a few hesitant claps.

It's like we've been waiting for so long, finally we have a woman in...cough cough...power, and she is the best we could do??

Doesn't speak highly of women to be associated with a little rag, sapped of all energy and dynamism.

Personally, I would like to see some life.

Josh, if you please.

Throw me in jail, but that's how I really feel.



P.S. E-mail sent to my mother, vino, and a journalist friend from Tehelka (I was hoping this third one would pitch the idea to Tarun Tejpal) few days ago:-

"There should be a speaker's corner in delhi, at India Gate or some such central place so that people can go there and hurl abuses at the government, exposing the hollow and termite eaten core of its officials.

it's a shame that fear of humiliation is the main guiding force of action. there should be a way to make use of that. tedi ungli se ghee nikaalne ka prabandh hona chahiye!"

Jai Hind!

Billa # 786

There are very few things that give me uncomplicated and unadulterated joy. One of them, is watching Amitabh Bachchan in his older, pre Lal Badshah, films.

Oh what a hero he was! Zanjeer, Don, Deewar, Sholay, Muqaddar ka Sikandar, Sharabi, Lawaaris, Namak Halal, Silsila... Hero-giri was never better.

Recognising the mania that still forms an unbeatable aura around Amitabh Bachchan, SET MAX is doing an 'Ab Tak Bachchan' festival where they show Amitabh movies every night. I am happy. Champions league still hasnt resumed, and yet TV remains watchable

Deewar is showing right now, as I write this post.

Now I like this film. One of my favourite Amitabh films definitely. And the man is devastatingly sexy in it. I have just finished rambling about the film to a poor soul who has to put up with me. But it's been quite a lot of fun for me honestly!

It's made more fun by the fact that I know half the lines of the film. Not just by Amitabh, but by villains # 1 and 2- Daavar and Samant, Nirupa Roy- who always ends up playing his blind/widowed/destitute mother, and bubbly Shashi Kapoor.

Some lines I like

Part I- The obvious ones
"Sahib, mein phenke hue paise nahi uthaata" "Is ladke par nazar rakhna. Yeh lambi race ka ghoda hai" (Iftikar aka Daavar aka villain # 1) "Sahib, bahut saal pehle aap us hi footpath par apne joote polish karvate the...Sahib, main aaj bhi pheke hue paise nahi uthaata"

"Beta, tu koi aisa kaam to nahi kar raha, jo tujhe nahi karna chahiye?" (Nirupa Roy worriedly asks, when Amitabh shows her a palatial house he has bought)

To which our hero responds coolly-
"Nahi Ma, main koi aisa kaam nahi kar raha jo mujhe nahi karna chahiye" (He has become a smuggler. But emphasis on this line, because in the eyes of the angry young man, he is only crooked because of what his crooked fate has dealt him)

Scene: Nirupa Roy standing between two brothers- Amit and Shashi- with one hand blessing each one. She says "Bhagwan tum dono ko kamiyaabi tak pahunchaye"

Why is this important? I will tell you. Because, my friends, the two brothers have been led down opposing paths in life. Amitabh is a smuggler, and Shashi a police officer. Both of them cannot be kamiyaab. Ek ki haar mein hi doosre ki jeet hai !

Okay, we wont get into the whole -"Bhai tum sign karte ho ya nahi... "Jao pehle usse sign le kar aao jisne mere haath par yeh likha tha"... "mere paas bangla etc hai...tumhare paas kya hai?".. (Silence) (Emotion) "Mere paas (pause) ma hai" - lines because they are well known, much loved and oft repeated. But yes, they're great!

Part II- The less obvious ones

"Agar yeh mazaak hai to tum hasne ke liye zinda nahi rahoge"

And, when Amitabh is asked a question he would rather not answer he says "Mere yeh bataane se sone ke daam nahi gir jaayenge"
Wah! Kya lakh rupaye ki baat kahi! (The driver at office says this often, and I thought it was relevant here)

The screenplay of this film was written in 18 days btw by Salim -Javed. Not bad eh?

Also, as he becomes richer, he progresses from smoking beedis, to cigarettes, and finally to cigars. Subtlety my friends, is the key to a good film.

Though it isn't reflected in the scene where Shashi Kapoor is chasing Amitabh towards end, and ends up sprawled on the roof of the car Amitabh is driving, looking very much like a cockroach swimming in water would. That scene kills me.

Now for a few things I dont like about the film.

1. The fact that Amitabh needs a woman. He is soo much more attractive being the angry, young, too-hurt-by-life-to-care-about-romance-shomance, man who remains aloof in the face of Parveen Babi's rather fleshy thighs. I was pleased when she was throwing herself at him, and he remained cool, observant and distant. I was disappointed when they start sleeping with each other. I was devastated when emotions entered their equation.

I mean, he was just perfect as the loner. More relatable.

2. Umm...cmon, there has to be something else. Oh right, Aruna Irani in her item number + cabaret + mujrah number. She starts off okay, but in the end does this little dance step that resembles drunk men dancing in baraats. Personally, the mawaali action is quite endearing at times. But when done by a woman who is dressed as a courtesan at the end of a qawwali-ish song, its just shocking and hilarious. This may have turned into something I like in a funny way about the film btw.


I recommend the film to everyone who likes Amitabh Bachchan but by some misfortune hasn't watched Deewar yet.

And also to those who dont have any particular feelings for Amitabh Bachchan, but like filmy films. I like filmy films, but only pre 1990. If a film post 1990 is typically filmy, I am likely to shoot it down mercilessly.

Jai Valentine! Long live the Panthers!

Last week, Bal Thackeray allegedly said anyone wanting to avoid violence on Valentine's Day should not celebrate it.

To you and your allies- in-ideology, Thakeray Sahib, I say this with heartfelt passion-

F*** off !

And, at your age BT, it might be a good idea to start thinking about getting a life! Isn't Vanaprastha supposed to be about looking inwards rather than poking your vulture like beak into other people's business and imposing your Nazi-esque values on the country?

I almost feel like sending him a large bunch of flowers with a note saying- "Hey sexy, Happy Valentines Day"

I am not a valentiner, but now I want all valentiners to go and start copulating in Thakeray's garden.

Or you know, something less dramatic.

Like singing "Made for each other" like Neelam and Mithun Da in Agnipath.

Where the bathroom geyser meets life

Oh how the simple and seemingly uninteresting things remind you of the irony of life and love!

We were discussing the state of the geyser recently, when The Wise One said, "The bottom part is being held together by the very rust that was the reason for its degeneration"

Sigh.

Yes. The cure is often the same as the illness.

Dard bhi tum, dard ki dawa bhi tum

Caste cabaret

Now we all know that the Brahmins are supposed to be the purest of the pure, wisest of the wise, and religious-est of the religious among the Hindu community. Even among them, there is a particular sub caste - Chaturvedis- who are pretty much the creme de la creme of the Brahmin world.

The word means someone who is familiar with the four vedas. But I'll be damned if you can find more than 40% who even know the names of the four vedas. okay okay. 50%. But I can't loosen it further :-P

Anyway, a Chaturvedi usually only marries a Chaturvedi. Now it makes me wonder how long they can go on without running out of non family chaturvedis. Hence, the community is fairly incestual I would think. Or tending towards it.

They also don't eat onions and garlic. Those are evil things to be avoided by the pure bred and blooded. As someone recently mentioned, a possible reason is that they unearth baser passions. Ooh. Scary.

Have you formed a picture already? Of a boring person who prays a lot? Well baby, I have to say that you are in for a big surprise!

Recently, I had the good fortune of hearing about a particular Chaturvedi's son's wedding. The gentleman also happens to be an officer at a sufficiently high post in one of the Ministries of the Government of India, so I derive double joy from blabbering about him in this post

*evil grin*

At his son's wedding, he invited the entire clan and friends to a "mujraa night". Now this in itself sounded quite shady to me, but then I imagined some live Indian music to which a woman would do a little kathak performance, blended with drinks, and I was at peace with the idea.

Ah, but the evening turned out to be quite different indeed! In the words of my source...

"...It was more a cabaret than a mujraa. There was a DJ playing music, and then these women came out dresssed in the bare minimum required amount of clothes on their body. Some were fat, some were thin but all of them strutted about and danced provocatively. At one point they proceeded to turning their backs to the audience and started gyrating their hips. It was positively vulgar I tell you..!"

Needless to say, a good laugh was had by all.

Except the man's wife. Smt. Chaturvedi was voted as being the best of the dancing women by another male guest.

:-D

Now THATS a good one!

P.S. Rushdie Mian, could you make this incident a part of your next novel please?